I can love myself?

This week at YWAM New Zealand was another week of intensity as we began the first of our eleven weeks of “lecture”. The man who spoke for these lectures, Marty, was teaching on the topic of “Lordship” and I knew from the first few minutes of his class that I did not trust him. Marty is a boisterous or “cheecky” (as the Kiwis would say) man in his thirties and speaks with a precocious charm. I, and probably even he, cannot recall what exactly he spoke about this week but I do remember one statement that struck a deep chord in my heart. This was probably an inconsequential avowal to many, but his simple declaration “I love myself!” instantly grabbed my attention. As he explained his life story of being an insecure introvert, he told us how he grew up his whole life not knowing that he could love himself. He was not particularly self-doubting but he willingly suppressed much of who he was for so long because he never personally knew the God who created him or that this God really loves His creations.
As he spoke about the love of the Father, you could see that he was not merely trying to teach us a lesson about God’s love, but that he really wanted us to know that we can genuinely love who we are by getting to know God in an intimate way.

I did not think, at first, that I really had much of a problem with this. I mean, I used to be incredibly insecure in my younger years and developed a pretty nasty eating disorder while I was in high school, but I have been over these things for years. I soon realized in this lecture however, that fearing God apposed to fearing man could be defined when people’s criticisms nor their praise could move my heart. Could I honestly confess that when someone corrects or criticizes me that I am not a bit bruised? Even more, could I admit that when someone pays me a compliment, praises my ability, or flatters my work that my heart is not moved and my confidence is not boosted? I am not saying we have to become completely numb to others affirmation but as I analyzed my heart and motives I realized how far from his message of truly loving myself I really was. I wanted to believe his message urgently but needed to know how. I mean how do you just wake up one day and decide to love yourself, especially when the World tells you everything but this? “The secret to loving yourself is this- love God…” Marty said. He further explained how absurd the fact that people are spending heaps of money on self help books and support groups when the crux of learning to love yourself is completely dependent on knowing and loving the creator. I mean think about it “self help” is treating the disease with the disease. If we are broken, depending on ourselves will only lead to more brokenness. This is based on the fact that we cannot ever even know ourselves with knowing and loving God (I John 3:2,3 “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure”).
I know it is easier said than done but I believed it when Marty told us that he loved himself and it gave me two things, hope and exhaustion. I had hope in the fact that I would be able to love myself one day and exhaustion in knowing that it would involve striving to seek God with intentional vigor as I wrestle the enemy and all his accusations. As I listened to Marty teach, I reached a startling realization of how so many of us (especially women) live our entire lives coexisting with the poison of shame and self hatred. That may sound like an over exaggeration but take a minute to really reflect on how you view yourself- think about your hair, your laugh, the mistakes you made in high school or the stabbing inadequacy you feel when you fail at a task in the office or flunk an exam. Unfortunately, I would say that most of us would change a lot about ourselves if we had the chance to. 

So why is self-hatred and condemnation such a prominent issue? This is just my opinion but I think it is because of the fact that God intentionally designed each and every one of us for His particular plan and purpose. I believe it intimidates satan and he, therefore, found a cunning way to distract us from the Lord by turning our eyes onto our own shortcomings and then hurling slithering accusations into our un-tuned ears. These allegations undoubtedly spoil and morph into subtle yet persistent daily “truths” that we believe about ourselves. Unfortunately, these lies become the acid that rapidly deteriorates our confidence not only in ourselves, but in the God who breathed life into us, gazed deeply into our eyes and say “It is good”. 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs that if we were a people who tuned our ears to the Lord of Lords we would hear such different things! Tuning your ears to God’s truths can be as simple as opening up the Bible and reading things like Romans 8. The very first verse reads “ there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” it continues to say “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” I mean if you EVER doubt the burning agape love God has for us please re-read Romans 8. I would like to particularly focus on verse 29 that is bolded. The fact that God, before the foundations of the Earth were formed, before the sun and moon where spoken into the existence, before the mountains were sculpted and water filled the sea- God, maker of heaven and earth, set His eyes on us! This is saying God selected us, in Christ, before our universe was even being set into motion. This is huge guys! How could satan’s voice have even the slightest room to lie to us when truths like this are being mediated on! His love for us is so powerful and extensive that satan tries with all his might to avert our eyes from the glorious riches of God by telling us “half-truths”.
 

My precious friend Grace Nichols and I wrestled through how sneaky satan can be and came to the conclusion that he is too conniving to blatantly spit outrageous lies about us and therefore he takes certain truths, manipulates them for his benefit and then traps us in “half-truths”. A good example of a “half-truth” is the thought “oh what a wretched sinner I am”. This is totally true- we are all black-hearted sinners completely separated from a holy God. The problem is when we stop at this fact without seeing the cross and are deceived into veiwing God as a God of wrath and hatred just waiting in His throne for us to screw up so He can strike us down with holy thunder. THIS IS NOT FULL TRUTH and what satan desperately does not want us to discover is the whole truth that God does not even see our sin when we are born again! When God looks at us, He sees us through the crystal clear lens of Jesus Christ who has blotted out our sins! Many of us think that our sins are “covered by His blood” but in actuality, His blood does not just cover our sins but CLEANSES our sin! Our sin is no more- we are covered in His blood and our sins along with the crimson stains of shame are removed as far as the east is from the west. Guys- this is great news! How could we doubt His love for us! Whenever you start to believe things about yourself that are not “good” remember that they most likely are not God. God is good- He is fully holy- fully loving and not even us in all of our sin could change an unchanging God. 

Until we start seeking God’s love for us through His perfect design of redemption (the cross) it is impossible to begin to love ourselves. Last night as I began to write this blog, I had to stop and start reading the Word. I was convicted while writing on seeking God when I had not spent enough time seeking Him for myself this day. Today my mother and best friend Lo listened to me gush about this deep desire I have to love myself and to share with others the news about how we can do this. We all discussed how this would be a process but how we all wanted to start down this road with the first step being to ask God, who gives good gift to His children, to show us His love for us. I prayed a simple prayer as I started preparing for church and piled into the stuffy YWAM van that took us to a church called Mount Mosiac. Worship is incredible at this church so I stood in the back with plenty of arm space and melodiously started to belt out my love for the Lord in a song that went something like “ Beautiful One- my love is for You and You alone”. Proclaiming my love for Jesus is normally quite easy and refreshing but the worship leader stopped us in the middle of the song and told us how the Scripture says in Ezekiel that the Lord loves to love us and actually sings over us. She then asked us to just receive this song as she stepped in for God to sing these same lyrics over us. At first I wanted to keep singing but I felt that familiar and gentle nudge of Jesus telling me to be still. “Beautiful one- My beautiful one- my love is for you and you alone My beautiful one…” is what God sung over me! “Wow… You answered my prayer fast!” I thought as I marinated in the goodness of our Lord lavishing His love on me and the rest of the congregation! Oh it is so good to not just love God but be loved by Him… I do not know how I could have missed out on this truth for so long! I know I still have a journey in front of me, and I know satan will try hard to pull away the sweet truths God sung over me, but tonight proved that remembering His love for me is SO worth fighting for!