I can love myself?

This week at YWAM New Zealand was another week of intensity as we began the first of our eleven weeks of “lecture”. The man who spoke for these lectures, Marty, was teaching on the topic of “Lordship” and I knew from the first few minutes of his class that I did not trust him. Marty is a boisterous or “cheecky” (as the Kiwis would say) man in his thirties and speaks with a precocious charm. I, and probably even he, cannot recall what exactly he spoke about this week but I do remember one statement that struck a deep chord in my heart. This was probably an inconsequential avowal to many, but his simple declaration “I love myself!” instantly grabbed my attention. As he explained his life story of being an insecure introvert, he told us how he grew up his whole life not knowing that he could love himself. He was not particularly self-doubting but he willingly suppressed much of who he was for so long because he never personally knew the God who created him or that this God really loves His creations.
As he spoke about the love of the Father, you could see that he was not merely trying to teach us a lesson about God’s love, but that he really wanted us to know that we can genuinely love who we are by getting to know God in an intimate way.

I did not think, at first, that I really had much of a problem with this. I mean, I used to be incredibly insecure in my younger years and developed a pretty nasty eating disorder while I was in high school, but I have been over these things for years. I soon realized in this lecture however, that fearing God apposed to fearing man could be defined when people’s criticisms nor their praise could move my heart. Could I honestly confess that when someone corrects or criticizes me that I am not a bit bruised? Even more, could I admit that when someone pays me a compliment, praises my ability, or flatters my work that my heart is not moved and my confidence is not boosted? I am not saying we have to become completely numb to others affirmation but as I analyzed my heart and motives I realized how far from his message of truly loving myself I really was. I wanted to believe his message urgently but needed to know how. I mean how do you just wake up one day and decide to love yourself, especially when the World tells you everything but this? “The secret to loving yourself is this- love God…” Marty said. He further explained how absurd the fact that people are spending heaps of money on self help books and support groups when the crux of learning to love yourself is completely dependent on knowing and loving the creator. I mean think about it “self help” is treating the disease with the disease. If we are broken, depending on ourselves will only lead to more brokenness. This is based on the fact that we cannot ever even know ourselves with knowing and loving God (I John 3:2,3 “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure”).
I know it is easier said than done but I believed it when Marty told us that he loved himself and it gave me two things, hope and exhaustion. I had hope in the fact that I would be able to love myself one day and exhaustion in knowing that it would involve striving to seek God with intentional vigor as I wrestle the enemy and all his accusations. As I listened to Marty teach, I reached a startling realization of how so many of us (especially women) live our entire lives coexisting with the poison of shame and self hatred. That may sound like an over exaggeration but take a minute to really reflect on how you view yourself- think about your hair, your laugh, the mistakes you made in high school or the stabbing inadequacy you feel when you fail at a task in the office or flunk an exam. Unfortunately, I would say that most of us would change a lot about ourselves if we had the chance to. 

So why is self-hatred and condemnation such a prominent issue? This is just my opinion but I think it is because of the fact that God intentionally designed each and every one of us for His particular plan and purpose. I believe it intimidates satan and he, therefore, found a cunning way to distract us from the Lord by turning our eyes onto our own shortcomings and then hurling slithering accusations into our un-tuned ears. These allegations undoubtedly spoil and morph into subtle yet persistent daily “truths” that we believe about ourselves. Unfortunately, these lies become the acid that rapidly deteriorates our confidence not only in ourselves, but in the God who breathed life into us, gazed deeply into our eyes and say “It is good”. 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs that if we were a people who tuned our ears to the Lord of Lords we would hear such different things! Tuning your ears to God’s truths can be as simple as opening up the Bible and reading things like Romans 8. The very first verse reads “ there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” it continues to say “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” I mean if you EVER doubt the burning agape love God has for us please re-read Romans 8. I would like to particularly focus on verse 29 that is bolded. The fact that God, before the foundations of the Earth were formed, before the sun and moon where spoken into the existence, before the mountains were sculpted and water filled the sea- God, maker of heaven and earth, set His eyes on us! This is saying God selected us, in Christ, before our universe was even being set into motion. This is huge guys! How could satan’s voice have even the slightest room to lie to us when truths like this are being mediated on! His love for us is so powerful and extensive that satan tries with all his might to avert our eyes from the glorious riches of God by telling us “half-truths”.
 

My precious friend Grace Nichols and I wrestled through how sneaky satan can be and came to the conclusion that he is too conniving to blatantly spit outrageous lies about us and therefore he takes certain truths, manipulates them for his benefit and then traps us in “half-truths”. A good example of a “half-truth” is the thought “oh what a wretched sinner I am”. This is totally true- we are all black-hearted sinners completely separated from a holy God. The problem is when we stop at this fact without seeing the cross and are deceived into veiwing God as a God of wrath and hatred just waiting in His throne for us to screw up so He can strike us down with holy thunder. THIS IS NOT FULL TRUTH and what satan desperately does not want us to discover is the whole truth that God does not even see our sin when we are born again! When God looks at us, He sees us through the crystal clear lens of Jesus Christ who has blotted out our sins! Many of us think that our sins are “covered by His blood” but in actuality, His blood does not just cover our sins but CLEANSES our sin! Our sin is no more- we are covered in His blood and our sins along with the crimson stains of shame are removed as far as the east is from the west. Guys- this is great news! How could we doubt His love for us! Whenever you start to believe things about yourself that are not “good” remember that they most likely are not God. God is good- He is fully holy- fully loving and not even us in all of our sin could change an unchanging God. 

Until we start seeking God’s love for us through His perfect design of redemption (the cross) it is impossible to begin to love ourselves. Last night as I began to write this blog, I had to stop and start reading the Word. I was convicted while writing on seeking God when I had not spent enough time seeking Him for myself this day. Today my mother and best friend Lo listened to me gush about this deep desire I have to love myself and to share with others the news about how we can do this. We all discussed how this would be a process but how we all wanted to start down this road with the first step being to ask God, who gives good gift to His children, to show us His love for us. I prayed a simple prayer as I started preparing for church and piled into the stuffy YWAM van that took us to a church called Mount Mosiac. Worship is incredible at this church so I stood in the back with plenty of arm space and melodiously started to belt out my love for the Lord in a song that went something like “ Beautiful One- my love is for You and You alone”. Proclaiming my love for Jesus is normally quite easy and refreshing but the worship leader stopped us in the middle of the song and told us how the Scripture says in Ezekiel that the Lord loves to love us and actually sings over us. She then asked us to just receive this song as she stepped in for God to sing these same lyrics over us. At first I wanted to keep singing but I felt that familiar and gentle nudge of Jesus telling me to be still. “Beautiful one- My beautiful one- my love is for you and you alone My beautiful one…” is what God sung over me! “Wow… You answered my prayer fast!” I thought as I marinated in the goodness of our Lord lavishing His love on me and the rest of the congregation! Oh it is so good to not just love God but be loved by Him… I do not know how I could have missed out on this truth for so long! I know I still have a journey in front of me, and I know satan will try hard to pull away the sweet truths God sung over me, but tonight proved that remembering His love for me is SO worth fighting for! 

Meg McCardel YWAM

http://www.youtube.com/v/h7WpAjYlkEA?version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&autohide=1&attribution_tag=QYqcTnsiodOk5iVeEN51hw&showinfo=1&autoplay=1

He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice.

It is crazy to think that it is already time to start preparing to leave World Relief. I am not sure if it will be harder to say goodbye to the people I have been teaching English to or to the staff. There are three ladies in particular who I will miss very much. I have lived in Jacksonville for 5 years now and only get to visit my home for weekends at a time, meaning much of these last five years have been without a mother, but the warmth from these ladies has really taken the edge off of it.

Yesterday I brought my little sister Michaela with me to World Relief. I am glad she got a glimpse into what my summer has looked like. We started our day off filling out a form with Peter Nay to get him a coach that will teach him how to use our public bus. It was cool to be able to talk to Peter so freely. When I asked him if he was nervous about riding the bus, he told me that he grew up in a small jungle like village  was not used to signs, directions, streets and things like this. He was nervous that he would get lost and have to call 911 to get back home. I tried to relieve his stress by telling him there would be someone there to explain things to him and that he would be alright. We then went into our little booth and started our "English class". I think the funniest part of our class was him explaining what he ate for breakfast; a bagel with smashed up chilly pepper. I also tried explaining what sugar was for 5 minutes and finally got up and found a packet of sugar and a packet of salt so he could taste the difference. The two hardest concepts I taught with the help of my sister were - what "favorite" meant and what the word "say" meant. I have not figured out how to explain to my English students that the verb "say" should not be put before everything they repeat. Much of our vocab review sounds a lot like "Say 'no thank you'" and they repeat "Say no thank you".  How to you tell someone "Don't say 'say'" and then say "Say banana". Goodness- I am over that word. I would like to erase it from our language some days.

Michaela and I then went to different homes to teach English. Unfortunately Mary, the young lady from Sudan, was not feeling well enough to learn English today. She is always open to prayer though and I was able to kneel next to her bed and offer her up to the Lord. I so desire to see her whole and healthy one day in heaven. We then left for Divines home, the woman from the Congo, and spent the majority of our day with her daughters and her.

Teaching Divine is very different from any other student. She knows a lot more English then I am used to so I have to go about her education in a different way. I always try to do some reading and writing with her, but more than anything she needs conversational tools, so I just try to sit there and talk to her hoping she is picking up as much English as she can. Our time surprisingly started off with another 15 minute photo shoot of her and her children. It was pretty fun though. She really does have cute children. Her youngest is like a ball of dough, always giggling and her twin girls are so precious. The first of the twins was born with out any complications, The second, however, was left in Divine for too long and the lack of oxygen had some serious long term effects. Thankfully everyone adores the disabled child just as much as the other two.

Our conversations yesterday were, for the most part,  about the differences between the different ethnic groups in the Congo and why she and her family had to flee to Rwanda. She gave me some details that I would not feel right sharing, but I can definitely say I am so glad they made it here to America. She explained  the answers to some of my questions about the genocide and I was quite impressed that bitterness has not taken over her heart in the least bit. She and I started talking about Jesus and how saying you believe in Jesus is one things but how Jesus looks different when he is in your heart.

Our day ended with some Congolese worship music and dancing. She pulled up songs from her country and showed me how much dancing is incorporated in her church back at home. It was much much different from our churches here. There were these giant lines of dancing women and men singing out things like "Our God answers prayers" and not giving up when suffering hits. I do not think Divine could resist dancing after the second song and she got up and started showing her dance skills to my sister and I as we internally prayed that she would not force us to try. She really does have a sweet heart. Whether she realized it or not, seeing her dance and worship was a huge blessing to me.

Jesus I pray over Mary today. I pray she is not in pain this morning and can enjoy her day. I pray that you heal her fully and get full credit for the miracles that you are fully able to complete. Lord I pray I can fully engage in my internship this week and that I am working off of Your strength and Your heart. I pray You lead my days and You give me opportunities to be your hands and feet. *amen*

Blessed is the one who preservers (7/12/13)

Today was a busy day as usual but it was full of laughter and I was blessed by my best friend volunteering to help teach me English. My day started out with teaching Peter Nay English in our little nook. I spend almost 10 minutes today explaining that when I point to something and say "What is this" he does not need to repeat "What is this" before he gives an answer. It is really hard to explain little things like this sometimes. In fact. I still cannot figure out how to explain the word "or" to him and I confuse every student each time I use that word. Peter is growing so much and so wonderfully in his English. Today he proudly proclaimed to my co-workers "I am going home". I was music to my ears.

I then had an unexpected encounter with a man from Sudan named Philip. I teach English to his wife Mary when I am able to. Mary is a sweet sweet girl from Southern Sudan. Unfortunately Mary was rushed straight to the ER the night she arrived in Jacksonville. She, in the last 9 months, has spend the majority of her time in America in the hospital. She had emergency open heart surgery when she was taken to the hospital. While she was there they also discovered that not only did she need a new heart, but she was in full hepatic and renal failure (kidney and liver). She has now been in her home for over a month with out having to be rushed to the ER and only leaves her home for her dialysis appointments. When I was told about Mary and looked over her medical history it didn't take me long to see that she wouldn't live much longer. This broke my heart. The fact that she had to flee her country, live in a refugee camp for years and then she arrives in America only to pass away in a foreign place where no one speaks her language or knows who she is. 

The way I teach English to Mary is much different from the way I teach Peter Nay or Divine from the Congo. I teach Peter and Divine for their survival and acclimation process: I teach English to Mary to fill her empty apartment with a voice and sometimes even laughter. I teach her so she can build a relationship here and feel a sense of a friendship. She dose not have the stamina to last long in English class so I try to break up our time by talking about whatever I an remember in Egyptian Arabic (which is not a lot) and she tries to piece together my broken thoughts. We actually have a pretty good system going and get along very well. 

When I bumped into her husband at WR we got into a discussion about our lives in Cairo and discovered that not only did we live in the same subsection of Cairo (Maadi), but he played guitar for the church I was really involved in! It was crazy- He said "I knew you looked familiar!". When I asked him how Mary was doing he sweetly said that she was doing well and she is talking, as long as he could have conversations with her he was pleased. I was touched and tried to encourage him and was surprised when he told me that he knows God can provide all things but he was at peace about her coming death. My eyes instantly misted and I struggled to continue our conversation. I knew she was not improving, but thinking about her passing affected me a lot differently now that I knew her and she was not just a case file. I also think it is hard for me to think about her passing because there are similarities we share. For instance, we both love Egypt and love their food, we are both in our young twenties, and both of our men are obsessed with flying airplanes (her husband is an aspiring pilot and drills me about my boyfriends flying). When my best friend and I were sitting in her living room with her we were all sharing our age. She laughed when I told her my friend, Lo, was turning 24 this November and said in Arabic "oh- kabeerah" calling Lo old. Mary is 21, and I know she was joking but I wondered if Mary thought 24 was old because she was not expected to live that long. If you read this blog please join me in prayer for Mary's healing. I know we pray to a big God who loves Mary more then any of us can and I believe healing a liver, kidney and heart is not too difficult for Him. 

After reading through children's books with Divine from the Congo, and taking some new facebook pictures for her, I left for Peter Nay and Paw Wah's home! I actually felt bad because Lo and I intruded on their early supper. Apparently Peter didn't mind seeing how he said 'Teacha- hu" and motioned for me to take a picture of him shoveling a hand full of rice into his mouth. I laughed and took a few pictures of them, and tried pronouncing the foods I could remember in Karen. I do not have much to say about English class because Lo wanted to take over today and did a fabulous job while I entertained the kids who were too young and uninterested in learning (I think I got the better end of the deal). 

I really want to just take this family everywhere with me! They bring me so much joy. 

Lord I pray you continue to bless the Peter's family. I pray their 5 children grow up to love and honor you. I pray I obey you fully and never grow complacent in serving you. I pray for Mary and her body. Please heal her Lord. I pray you fill her home with your spirit and comfort Lord and she can feel your incomparable joy. I pray you show me how to love the people you have put in my life and I am always drawing from your well. Thank you for your grace and mercy given so freely. You say to Mary and Philip in James 1:12 that "Blessed is the one who preservers under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised those who love Him." Thank you for your promises Jesus. *Amen* 

He will not grow tired or weary...(7/10/13)

There are days when you wake up with the weight of the world on your chest, and days when you wake up with a weight of glory: today I woke up with the later. It is not that I did not have things to worry about, or unending tasks to complete, it was just one of those days where the problems just didn't matter as much. I do not want to give a skewed view on my character- I definitely fight my battles with the spirit of worry, today was just great because God stepped in the ring and did the fighting and concurring for me. 

Today was a perfect example of how my internship at World Relief is stretching me in very calculated areas. I am around visionaries often and see certain leaders and even people I am disciplining come up with all of these awesome ideas and creative goals. I tend to think if myself, as my boyfriend puts it, an efficient "second in command". I am great with following directions and completing tasks, but not so good at just initiating what needs to happen step by step. However, despite my lack of ability, I seem to always be put in the position of leading things I am under-qualified for. Today Word Relief had 8 amazing nurse interns come in to serve WR and work with 4 different refugee families who are in the greatest position of applicable medical need. 

On paper the idea is fabulous. These nurses want to go into the homes of their family and asses what the needs are. They then want to take these needs and find ways to implement either treatments, or educational factors that would help prevent illness. This type of project is something I have been working on for the last 5 years of college so naturally I loved the idea and see it as very useful. The thing is, these are families from such different backgrounds from us. It is difficult to just walk into someone's life and show them the "right" way to do things, tell them to change things they have been doing their whole life, and have them use things they have no experience with. Even if we did place all of these barriers aside, the biggest obstacle is the complete lack of communication. As I am typing this out I am just astounded at how easy it is to doubt our Father, and how easy it is for God to breeze past those doubts and work in the miraculous. Jesus can take anything we offer and create the most immaculate tapestry just because it is in His nature to do so! Anyway, after some teamwork, my preceptor and I devised a plan and just went into action. I had to take the initiative at some point in WR and step out of my comfort zone into an area of expertise that I have preexisting insecurities in. I took the reigns, made a route of the four different homes we would be visiting and lead the stream of 9 cars to each apartment complex. 

On the arrival of the first home, Ling-ling, I called the interpreter hotline. Voice shaking and clumsily tripping over numbers and names I was able to get my first interpreter on the line and introduce the team of nurses to Ling-ling and some of her 6 children. I know from experience that her youngest takes oral iron medication and she could use some health education on preventing mold and mildew that has already begun permeating the apartment. I know I say that I love every client I work with, but Ling-ling really does have such a gentle and sweet spirit and I am so blessed to know there will be two lovely nurses trying to help her. The second home was Peter Nay's home where I am at often. This was the first time I have ever used and interpreter to communicate with his wife, Paw Wah. I have been teaching her, coming into her home, going with her to medical appointments, playing with her children for over two months, and today was the first time I was actually able to tell her how much I love and appreciate her and she was able to thank me. I think we had a little moment lol. I introduced the nurses she would be working with, put the dates on her calender as the bugs scurried out from underneath and scooped up her youngest boy to shower with kisses. We then walked to another household went through the same process. This family has a young daughter with a hip issue that is not responding the multiple procedures and surgeries done to it. The final home was a woman who is 8 months pregnant and has a toddler with a leg traction. She is so pretty and sweet. I am glad I had her last because by the time I got to her I had mastered how to use the interpreters, how to introduce the nurses and explain what they would be doing! Every single one of the clients were so receptive and appreciative! It was so awesome to just see how God carried us through the whole thing- I just cannot believe how awesome everyone's attitudes were! 

Before this adventure my incredible preceptor decided we should watch a documentary called "God Grew Tired of Us". I am so glad she suggested that, because I think it really did prepare and soften the hearts of the nursing students, well, it softened mine at least. In this documentary, we watched how  over 20,000 "Lost Boys" of southern Sudan walked thousands of miles into refugee camps, and then their journey to America. I would really suggest looking up this video on Youtube or Amazon because it really is a gripping yet realistic depiction of how challenging coming to America is. I think most of us are under the impression that the refugees all come from horrible, poor countries, struggle though a refugee camp, then arrive in America and all of the problems melt away and they have a happy ending. When in reality, there are refugees who really loved their home and would love to return if they could and even though they are grateful of being in America, they have a whole new  category of challenges they must combat. What really hurt me was the question that one of the men was mauling over as he reflected on all of the people he buried when he was just 13 years old..."Did God grow tired of us"? I so badly wanted to jump through that television screen and scream "No! He did not! I know it feels like that sometimes, I know life is hard sometimes and I know you feel isolated but God could never grow tired of you! He calls you 'son' and 'is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom'".

The absolute highlight of my day was most definitely my trip back to Peter Nay and Paw Wah's home! Yes, the English lessons with the family of 6 and two additional Burmese children was a blast and was full of laughter and excitement, but what really delighted me was my "kitchen creepin'". The art of "kitchen creepin'" is when one enters into a home and casually greets everyone, and then breezes into their kitchen to inspect the use of soap, the condition of the "clean" dishes, the storing of perishable food, and the proper or improper use of their refrigerator or freezer. I do this in a couth manner by reviewing specific vocabulary words like "plate, spoon, cup, sink, fridge" and so on. Today I literally jumped in excitement when I saw the dish soap I bought for them was almost out AND THE TUPPERWARE I GOT THEM WERE ALL IN USE IN THE FRIDGE! This is quite an accomplishment if I may say so myself. I actually took a picture just for keepsake because I am so incandescently proud of this family and the steps they have taken! Not only was the house in great condition, but I got to see Paw Wah read her first word "Hat"!!! I was so impressed by their reading skills and vocab, I did not even realize that I spent over 2.5 hours with the Peter Nay, Paw Wha and the six kids! 

As Peter was teaching me Karen (their language from Burma) words and Paw Nay was laughing at my pronunciation I realized that I really did feel like a part of their home. It takes time to really feel comfortable with strangers in general, but being in their home and not speaking a word of each others language can be really straining. I did feel that stain at first, but now all I feel is a pure sense of joy and acceptance, especially since Peter and I have been able to have minor conversations. Recently he walked past me reading my Bible and said "Teacha- Bible?" and I said "Yes- Jesus" he then said "Teacha- (touched his heart)- Jesus" "Yes Peter!" I replied and a smile rapidly spread across his face "Good- Teacha- Good" and walked away. 

My day ended with taking a 19 year old boy from Sudan to a local grocery store to help him apply to be a "bagger". Of course I was invited inside and instantly given a drink. Almost as soon as I sat down in his home his mother came out talking to me in Arabic and his little sister pulled out her comb and started brushing and combing my hair. I just thought as I stumbled through my broken Egyptian phrases..."I really do have the best internship ever".

Unexpected Tears (7/8/13)

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I knew today was going to be a little bit tougher then normal because I just had to drop off my boyfriend at the airport where he flew back to Texas. We have been long distance since September and saying bye is difficult each time. I was not taken by surprise at the tinge of pain I felt in my spirit waking up, but I was not prepared to see more people that I love leave.

This morning I was told that Tulasi and Chandra, my faithful and hard working students from Bhutan suddenly moved to Ohio. My tears are welling up with tears just by typing this out. Their caseworker told me that Tulasi came in on Friday to get the last bit of paperwork signed and say goodbye but I was not there. He told his caseworker, Robin, that he loved his time here in Jacksonville. He said "my teacher even counted out pennies for me to understand how American money works, and now I can write my own name."

When I first started teaching Tulasi and Chandra they had no clue to read or write at all. I got to see Tulasi and Chandra write their names for the very first time and read their first words. We had grown so much from the first awkward English class. We went from absolutely no communicating to taking pictures together and meeting friends. going to their home and meeting their family. When Robin told me that they moved to Ohio I tried really hard to just tell myself "Meg you can not get attached like that to the clients- people come and go- do not let yourself get upset..." but the tears I was attempting to hold back would not relent. I guess I feel like I really grew to love and care for them and I hate the thought of them not having someone like that i Ohio. I know I am going to really miss hearing Tulasi try to correct Chandra when she is actually the one saying it right- or hearing Chandra laugh when she says something in Nepali and I repeat her. I think more then anything, I am sad at the thought that they do not know the Lord. I did not realize that they were Hindu, but when I found out I instantly started praying for there to be opportunities to share about our beliefs. I really pray that the Lord puts intentional people in their lives to selflessly love them and share the freedom of Christ with them.

After I recovered from that blow I moved on and started teaching through the material I bought at a local Dollar General. Peter Nay is getting really good at reading and is pretty much getting the vowels almost completely down. I accomplished my goal of at least one good laugh today during "class". Today I rally wanted Peter to know how to write his birthday and his age but could not figure out how old he was because he was insisting that he was 78! After I wrote my age on the dry erase board we both shook with mirth and adjusted his age to 38. I was taken back when I saw that Tulasi and Peter have the same January 1st birthday, but then realized that most of the our refugees do not know when they were born. I don't even know if the years are legitimate. It is really strange to think of a life without birthday candles, presents and people celebrating your life. I guess it is kind of a narcissistic performance now that I think about it. A more important lesson however was the Karen smoking prevention material I showed him to stress the fact that he needs to quite smoking. He insisted that he only smoked two a day but I told him that if he did not stop he really would be like a 78 year old man!

I was also able to visit his wife at their apartment and start working through a new set of flash cards. We worked on the words "sun" "moon" "stars" "tree" "apple" "bug" "hat" "bat" and "rain". We worked on those until her little boy ,Clein, would not allow her to focus any longer. I noticed the bottle of dish soap was only a quarter full so I felt a little encouraged that they were using the soap, but their kitchen was still swarming with bugs and apparently also are interested in English, seeing how they eagerly climbed on the table I was teaching on.

Recently I have been stuck on a song called "Oceans"  by Hillsong. The lyrics that I was praying through today were:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Lord I pray that I am being lead by your spirit in the big decisions of life along with the monotonous day to day activities. I pray that trust you with Tulasi and Chandra. You love them more then I do and You are a good Sheppard. Please put people in their lives that will care about them and intercede for them. Lord bring me deeper into Your love and Your calling then I could ever choose to go. I pray as I trust You and watch You move, my faith in You grows. Jesus I only want to be where your presence is and where it goes. *Amen*

A bird just dropped a gift..rude

Ya Salam! (7/1/2013)

Something I have constantly battled with throughout this internship is the feeling of being useless. I am always meeting people who have specific talents or capabilities they can offer others. Like people who know all about public relations, or someone who knows accounting, or someone fluent in a useful language, or someone who can do grant writing... the list goes on. I love those types of people, I really do. They help me, the people I love and the organizations I serve keep afloat but they also fill me with insecurities when I let my armor down. What is my thing? What skill or gift can I offer up? There is not a single thing to my knowledge that I really feel like I have mastered. I know a lot about health yet cannot perform diagnoses, or cut out tumors. I know something about the Middle East but cannot hold a real conversation in Arabic. I know a few things about creating "Program Plans" yet lack the creativity to construct one on my own. A resounding prayer I cry out every day is simply "Jesus, where is my place"?

I am pleased to say He sweetly answers every time "Your place is with Me".

Though I did not receive this until a few hours after World Relief, this scripture brought me so much peace. It is found in Philippians 3:10 and it begins saying "My goal is to know Him...". I really need to carve that into every area of my life- if my goal is productivity, if my goal is to please people, if it is to be impressive or even if my goal is to be as holy as possible- I would still be wrong. My goal purely needs to derive from a place where I am not straining to fix my eyes on Him, but where my goal is simply to know Him.

Today I was actually not able to teach my students English because they had to help move stuff into a new apartment for a new family. During my free time I did two things #1 I printed out a ton of paper money to teach them about our dollars and coins to teach buying and selling and #2 dreamt about the delicious lunch that was being cooked for me by an Iraqi family!

I meet this family because I was used to fill out certain medical forms for the Father, and had to ask him every question about his injury that one could think of. I feel a slight connection with this family because as I asked invasive question after invasive question I was able to see how traumatic and devastating the consequences of the car bomb are to every area of his life.

Our lunch did not start out like typical lunch meals. As we, I and two other World Relief employees came in and sat down, our host had something new he was excited to show us; his new fake leg! I have never been so happy to see a prosthetic leg in my life. It was beautiful! The ankle of the leg was springy to relieve pressure on the point of contact of his injured leg and the prosthetic. The foot of the leg looked like a real foot and he received a long gel covering that he could put over his amputated leg that would make the prosthetic a lot more comfortable.

You could tell he was truly appreciative, not full of bitterness and entitlement. In fact, he had really kind things to say about the gentleman who came to fit him for his leg. He told his case worker how gentle and kind the man was who was fitting him and said he almost cried when the man was massaging the hurting and sore areas of his amputated leg. No one had really touched him like that since the explosion. I could not imagine that feeling. It reminded me of the sorrow the leprosy colony in India faced once their disease was discovered and the gratitude they expressed after I cleaned their eroded feet. Nevertheless there really is something sweet about this man. I am sure he has his moments, and I know from our interviews, the dismal times he faces, but he is not characterized by this. Our lunch was full of two things: calories and ubiquitous laughter. He and his wife were hilarious together; they have such a funny dynamic. They teased each other and laughed the whole afternoon.

The only concern I had coming into lunch was how I was going to handle the food. Not because I am not accustomed to Middle Eastern food (I am far too accustomed actually) but because I have not had a meal full of meat since India two years ago when they fed me water buffalo. I have been a pescetarian for almost 4 years and limit my meat intake to seafood which typically is only a few times a week. It is not that I am an animal activist or a crazy health nut, I just do not really crave meat or miss it and I have gone so long without eating it that I just do not incorporate it into my diet anymore. Anyway, I was slightly concerned about how my body would react to the beef in the Dolma (eggplant, grape leaves, tomatoes, peppers, onions and cabbage stuffed with rice beef and seasoning) the Biryani (delicious rice with peanuts, veggies, spices and chicken) and Kibbeh (think of a homemade corndog but replace the cancer ridden hotdog with ground beef and spices). Everything was delicious- even for someone who does not eat meat. We started with Salada made of chopped cucumber, tomatoes, and cabbage with vinaigrette and then the biryani and dolma and kibbeh. The dolma was definitely my favorite. The woman I lived with in Egypt used to cook me Mahshi that is very similar to the eggplant dulma. They of course criticized the other American and me for not eating enough and encouraged us not to be shy and keep eating but we were beyond stuffed. Iraqis' eat much larger lunches then Americans are used to. Many eat a good breakfast, a huge later lunch and a small dinner.

 After we insisted that we couldn't possibly take another bite we all moved to the couches for sweet Iraqi hot tea in beautifully designed dainty glass cups. We sat, laughed, shared stories, talked about our cultures and the differences between Iraq and America. We talked about the war and the deaths, corruption and past lives. They shared pictures of family members still in Iraq and I showed them pictures of my family. Their bashful daughter of 14 shared how she wanted to be a cardiologist when she grows up because her grandmother has a heart condition. It was really nice to be in an environment like that again. I almost chocked on my tea when I saw the men, not so gently, tap their spoons on their empty tea glasses while looking at the woman- clearly they were ready for more tea. She laughed at my gapping mouth and cheerfully filled up the glasses. It was not offensive at all in their culture and they comically expounded on the duties of the wife. I joked back that this is probably why I was not married yet because when I cook my boyfriend does the dishes- they chuckled at the thought of that.

Our time their ended with a 911 call because the apartment across the hall from them almost caught on fire. We jumped up when we hear the fire alarm go off and peer out the door as the thick smoke came billowing out of the apartment. The mother and young child ran out of the house and into the neighbor’s home and the fire department came, inspected, evacuated the smoke and assisted the mother and child also Iraqi. All was well. I think the stove was just left on with an empty pan on it or something, but the fireman told us that is one of the most common causes for house fires. Thank God everything and everyone was ok.

Jesus - thank you for simplifying my life today. I pray my goal remains to know You Lord. I lift up the workers at World Relief that have influenced my life and loved on me the last few weeks and ask You to give them endurance to serve others. I pray for the families that have joined us in our country and the ones to come and ask that we can be your hands and feet. Give us your heart for others Lord.  *Amen*