So there are have been a few stand storms in my life the last couple of days. Painful and tiring but at the same time- although the sand blinded me temporarily it forced me to once again surrender control and hold onto someone’s hand who was big enough to see over the sand. Man I am so glad God loves me enough to blind me sometimes- kind of like a story my dad used to tell me-"A life guard was on duty one day and there was not an obvious storm above the water but underneath there were dangerous rip currents. Someone decided against warning to go out in the ocean and though if he stayed in the shallow waters he could handle it. Before he knew it he was sucked out and sinking fast. The life guard had been trained for this so he knew what to do. He swam all the way out to the drowning man but was unable to help because the man was in panic mode and was trying too hard to stay afloat. He was grabbing at the life guard and trying to pull himself up. Flailing around and making more of a mess the more he tried. In fact he was almost drowning the life guard as he was pulling at him- the Life Guard disparately told the man "you need to calm down and let me grab you- you need to stop trying and just let me take you in" But the man either could not hear him due to the splashing, or did not trust the Life Guards experience in the ocean. So as painful as it was the Life Guard has to back off of the man and let himself wear himself out. Finally the splashing stopped and the man started to sink. The second the man started to fall the Life Guard rushed in and pulled up the man’s limb body, safely bringing him back to shore." This is a lesson I have learned on multiple occasions but especially with some battles I have gone though the last few weeks. But man am I grateful that my Saviors arms were created to hold my weight.
One thing that was hard to face was going back to school again. I had to miss an entire week of school. When I decided to man up and go to school this Thursday it took every bit of energy and I looked like death and sounded like it too. I feel bad for my class mates because I am sure all of them were trying to scoot away from me and my obvious infestation of germs lol. After Class my teacher very kindly told me that I should go home because I do not look well….and then went on to inform me that her and the Arabic director talked and they are going to drop me from the course because missing a week in an accelerated Arabic class is detrimental and I would not be able to recover from the gap. I kept telling her that I will study hard and get a tutor or anything and then she told me that I would bring down the rest of the class and I needed to think about that. I felt pretty crappy about that so I told her that I would wait until she would talk and speak with her in her office. I sat outside and prayed for a little bit when I realized that if she dropped me from her class I would lose 6 credit hours… and would therefore not me considered a full time student and I would lose my scholarship, financial aid, and my Egypt scholarship- over 12,000 dollars! So when I went back to her I explained the situation and she told me that she would give me 2 weeks and if she did not feel like I was caught up with the rest of the class she would drop me. I am so thankful for that grace but nevertheless that was draining.
That days storm was not over though. When I rode the bus home from school I made a stop at a market to get some thing I needed and walked back to my flat. I was totally exhausted from my day and from being sick so naturally when I arrived at my flat to realize the the elevator was broken I was a little let down- Did I mention that I live on the 9th floor? But the "Boab" or "doorman" of the building was out there and he quickly took my groceries from me and started walking up the stairs with me. The stair case was PITCH black in areas and I kept tripping so he started to hold onto me arm. At fisrt I though it is kind of him- but then I remembered that I was in Egypt and it is strange for a man to touch a women- even if it was only my arm. But I I talk to him almost everyday and I am always buying little treats for his kids and stuff so I thought he just was treating me like a daughter. When we got up to my floor I brought my bags in and thanked him. He shook my hand and just kind of stood there looking at me so I thought "oh he is waiting for a tip" not knowing that we actually pay him every month so he is not supposed to be tipped. Anyway I gave him a few pounds and then he smiled and said something in Arabic and kissed both of my cheeks. I was a little shocked but I brushed it off. The Boab then asked for my trash. I went inside and got the trash and brought it out to him and thanked him again- but this time he tried to kiss me again. Then it became pretty obvious that he and I were not on the same wave length...I pulled away but not soon enough to escape the kiss he planted on my neck/chest. I just shut the door as fast as I could and dropped my stuff everywhere. My room mate asked me what happened and when I told her the story she was shocked. She told me that this was NOT common at all and was highly highly inappropriate. She seemed more upset than me. She said that men DO NOT touch women here and how she could not believe he would do that. My friend Mohamed called me a few minutes later and when I told him what happened I thought he was going to lose his mind. He was so incredibly upset. He kept saying "this does not happen ever Meghan. This can never happen. How did this happen?" He told me he would call me right back and with in 25 minutes was outside of my flat. When I got into his car I thought he was taking me to get some tea but when I asked him where he was going he told me that he was taking me to the police station! I was like "no no no it is not that big of a deal" but He insisted. He told me that I could send this man to jail for three years! I adamantly refused and Mohamed was very frustrated. He dropped me off at my flat but with in the next hour I was already getting phone calls from our other friends asking me if i was ok and telling me I really should go to the police. I did not go but now I have to act like the Boab does not exist. I do not make eye contact with him - i do not respond to his good mornings or how are you's and whenever he is in the elevator I take the stairs....with 9 flight of stairs my calf muscles are going to look killer by January lol
The next day was a different type of sand storm. It was a real one! I never really thought that sandstorms were real lol I know that sounds really ignorant of me but when I think of sand storms I think of Aladdin or something. But I decided to go out anyway not really understanding the severity of sandstorms. I walked down to the Metro at like 7:30 at night and the 20 minute walk took like 35 minutes. The wind was relentless and the sand is almost like dust here. It is not like beach sand with big distinct grains, it is like a powder. So my lungs were not happy to say the least and my eyes are killing me. When I finally got to a mirror it looked like I had done a really weird make-up job lol. My face had a strange powdery tint to it and my hair felt...I don’t know- strange. It was just weird. I felt like I was walking though a giant blow-dryer. Then when I rode the metro into Downtown most of the people did not make it because it is impossible to drive during a sand storm because cars cannot see anything.
The next day, aka yesterday- I found out that my Gramps Graziotti died. I would type everything out but I just spent the last hour writing an email to my accountability partner Grace Nichols so I will just copy and paste certian portions of the email I sent her
"Grace I loved my grandpa so much. He just such a joy to me- even if we could only talk on the phone he brought so much laughter to me. And When I broke up with Marcus he was so sweet and would pass the phone around to his men’s Bible study so they could all tell me that it was ok and I how they were praying for me. I got to say bye to him when I was leaving for Egypt and we were both very sad because we were going to miss each other but I never thought that would be my last goodbye. As I am sitting here I realize that even if I would have been there in the hospital to say goodbye to him it would still not be a final goodbye because I will see him again one day but my heart is still really heavy. I know everyone thinks this way when a family member dies but I just wish I would have given him a bigger hug, and just held onto him a little bit longer this time- and maybe let him know how much I loved him. Logically I know he knew how much I loved him. I mean you know this first hand- when I love someone I am embarrassingly open about it. Some people get kind of freaked out by this but my grandpa loved it lol. On Saturday nights there was Celebrate Recovery at my church and when I would come in Gramps would be with all of his friends and I would run in and plant a huge kiss on him in front of everyone and he would crack up every single time and say “Meggy Lou loves her Grandpa” and then when we were alone he would say- you should have seen the look on everyone’s face when you kissed me Megga Lou- they were all so jealous that a beautiful young lady just smooched me lol. It is weird to think about coming home and him not being there. It is also weird to grieve about something like this without my family. I wish I could be there for my little sisters, especially for the funeral. It is weird being heart broken by myself. When something like this happens you know even if you are not crying or talking about the loss everyone else knows at least a little bit of what you are feeling and everyone is missing the same person that we all loved. No one here knows my Gramps, lol in fact many friends over here do not even know me very well so it is very different.I am a mixture being physically exhausted, emotionally drained, mentally foggy and spiritually dry. And I am very aware that this is my fault but I don’t know. Sometimes I forget that God is not like us humans. Here if you wrong someone you have to give them some time to cool down, or a few weeks to build up trust again, or give them time to remember why they love you ect- but With God, the second I say sorry and say I want to be with you he is right there and scoops me up. There is no grudge that needs dissipation, he is right there regardless. And in Daniel today I was reading about his pleading to God to have mercy and stuff and He said it perfectly -Daniel 9:18 “Listen my God and hear. Open your eyes to see our desolations and the city called by your name. FOR WE ARE NOT PRESENTING OUR PETITION BEFORE YOU BASED ON OUR RIGHTEOUS ACTS, BUT BASED ON YOUR ABUNDANT COMPASSION.” I am seriously spoiled. You know I was thinking- people always say “don’t worry He is up there right now looking down at you and blahh blah blah” But you know what, I know better- He is not up there looking down at me and my family- HE IS FREAKING FACE TO FACE WITH THE LORD ALMIGHTY, he is in front of Jesus Christ Grace!!! He is worshiping out Savior King, our Father- the God who created the sky and the water- in a way that does not even exist on earth!- he is face down in front of God. How cool is that? Why in the world would I even want him to be looking down here! I need him to save a front row spot for me to kneel with him in front of God lol. Another thing I remembered is in the Bible it says to “rejoice in the Lord always” so me not rejoicing is not just a mood swing, or a bad day- it is direct disobedience against the Bible!- Don’t let me wrong- I am not thinking that God is sitting up there with a basket of lightning rods just waiting for us to mess up so he can strike us, but I recognized this as a sin in my life. The thing is- In Psalms 56:8 it says that God keeps track of all of our sorrow and has collected all of my tears in a bottle. God says he hears our crying and hears our sighs. I mean sighing is not even weeping, of even crying, it just a sign of fatigue and he even hears and cares about these things. I just need to remember that in these times of grief that I am still rejoicing in God- not in a fake way, but rejoicing in God that He loves me enough to care about my crying, to bottle up my tears and take note of my exhaustion. It is crazy to think about God fully 100% grieving with me and fully 100% rejoicing with my Grandpa at the fact that he is going to fully be able to reveal himself to Gramps. God is so much bigger then what my logic says. Grace like God CREATED the emotions he gave us?!?!? Like of course he fully understands the tears and the frustrations and is not annoyed at all and is not thinking about what a selfish baby I am about being upset. Like God is the one who forms my tear ducts- he made me with a spirit that can be broken! And we are made in God’s image- like God has this emotion that I have but he has a pure and concentrated form of this emotion. So while he is crying and breaking with me and my family about our hurt he is also experiencing the purest form of Joy with my Gramps and partying with the Angels!
When Connor was taken from the family I had to use heart muscles that I have never used before, I was broken in a way that I have never been broken- I was in a position where I could not do a SINGLE thing about Connor but wait, trust, and pray. I never got comfortable to the point where I was fine though- I have to give that burden to God every single day. But as I am here in Egypt- a place that seems so impossible in my mind, talking with friends that are so far away from the truth, I am using those muscles again. That familiar pain is revealing itself again, the pain of being totally helpless and totally powerless and just looking at God and knowing that all I can do is wait, trust, pray and give this burden to God every day. Remembering all the while that God’s heart is breaking for Connor even more then my heart, remembering that God’s wants to reveal himself to my friends even more than I want to reveal him. This realization may be frustrating at points but freeing in other areas. I cannot possible do anything about this God- so it is all up to you- this is how God designed us isn’t it? He did not design me to carry burdens, but he did however design someone who takes my burdens..."
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